These have probably been posted everywhere but they are quite amusing... More here.

1. Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result.

2. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

3. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

4. Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.

5. Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

6. Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.

7. Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

8. Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick ass at the same time.

9. Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

10. Chuck Norris plays Russian roulette with a fully loaded revolver... and wins.

11. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Jeep.

12. Chuck Norris eats the core of an apple first.

13. Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

14. When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark
off.

15. Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano

16. The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

17. In 1991, Chuck Norris shot a 14 on an 18 hole golf course, falling short of his personal best by 2 strokes.

18. The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.

19. Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a Cyclops between the eye.

20. Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing.

21. the theory of evolution is bogus, its just a list of animals chuck norris allows to live

22. when chuck norris does a push up he doesn’t push himself up, he pushes the world down

23. There were no giraffes until Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse

24. In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep

25. Chuck Norris has never been accused of murder for the simple fact that his roundhouse kicks are recognized world-wide as "acts of God."

26. Chuck Norris once got into a fight with a one-armed Ninja. Seeing that he had an unfair advantage, Chuck Norris ripped both of his arms off and one of his legs. He then roundhouse-kicked the ninja in the head, killing him instantly, and proceeded to sow his limbs back on using only a rusty tent spike and bailing wire

27. Chuck Norris needs a monkeywrench and a blowtorch to masturbate.

28. God said: "Let there be light," Chuck Norris said: "Say please!"

29. There is no chin behind Chuck`s beard. Only another fist.

30. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

31. There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.



32. Every time Chuck Norris listens to a song, Apple pays him 99 cents

33. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.

34. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

35. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

36. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

37. Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

38. Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.

39. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

40. Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

41. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of
failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

42. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

43. Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.

44. Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.

45. Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murdered in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not "attempt" murder.

46. The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.

47. Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.

48. Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.

49. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

50. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.